At a time when the moral panic over smartphones is reaching a fever pitch, appliance manufacturers are rushing to add communication tools and screens to every item under the sun, blurring the line between what constitutes as “screen time.”
Taylor Lorenz User Mag
| TAYLOR LORENZ APR 16 |
Court Painter called upon his Press Attache AHM and studio resident consumer critic Chatterley Glitter Pantaloon Thwart (ChatGPT) to address in rhyming couplets the product rollout that examines ‘everyone scream for more screens.‘
Hark, good people of Consumerland,
Let news of screens go hand in hand.
From digital vaults a plan unfurled—
To juice up screams upon the world.
With “Screens Everywhere, Screams Everywhere!”
They push distraction through the air.
A vision grim, both wide and deep,
Where data leaks and kids never sleep.
The fridge now boasts a glowing face,
Nine inches wide, it claims its place.
To store thy food? Nay, that’s passé—
It streams and pings the livelong day.
The oven, once a humble tool,
Now joins the glowing, buzzing school.
A screen it bears—a foolish flair—
To broil thy roast with vacant stare.
The vacuum sings of texts and calls,
Its LCD a siren’s thrall.
The Bespoke Jet, with flashing screen,
Will tell thee when thy phone doth ring.
And lo! The washer joins the fray,
A phone it is, you brag to say!
Thy dryer too doth speak and beep,
Disturbing even laundry’s sleep.
No corner safe, no room immune—
The laundry room hath found its tune.
A 7-inch AI Home does glare,
Bestowing brands with digital flair.
At CES, the screen parade
Marched through each booth with bright charade.
From coffee pots to motor cars,
They twinkle like monetized stars.
GE, not one to be outdone,
Their AI fridge a chatting one.
It speaks of meals, it leaves a note—
A digital friend with a frigid coat.
Beyond the home, more screens awake,
Devices buzz for profit’s sake.
If Mom should take thy phone away,
Fear not—the vape is here to play.
These vapors now with screens so sly,
Let texting fill the smoky sky.
They flash and chime with tweet and game—
A digital pipe with power to shame.
Each gadget born with profit aim,
Now seeks distraction’s attention flame.
The CES, that grand bazaar,
Reveal the screen’s rising star.
A million screens in every place,
Invade thy time, thy soul, thy space.
And thus unfolds the dire campaign—
Of privacy lost and silent pain.
So let us choke and softly scream,
As screens devour each human dream.
For what was once the hearth and home,
Now scrolls within the digital dome.
