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Side Effects

Side Effects : Viewing Court Painter Works

A public service article

Viewing the art of Court Painter can enhance lives, but it can also come with unwanted side effects. It’s important to remember that not all his paintings are “viewer” safe.

With record numbers of viewers suffering or having near death experiences as a result of ‘art fuelled’ side effects, many wonder why art of this nature and considered dangerous is allowed on the market. The truth is that nearly all of Court Painter’s work, both over-the-internet and in the studio, have some kind of undesirable and sometimes dangerous aftereffects, from eye aches to near death experiences. Even with the federal art regulations that oversee undesirable paintings, side effects are inevitable. For federal art regulators, though, the benefits sometimes outweigh the dangers. Even though art works are supposed to undergo stringent testing and clinical trials, federal art regulators allow a level of side effects. In addition, most side effects vary from person to person, depending on the exposure to the art work, the viewers tastes,age, weight, gender, ethnicity and bank account. Art studios are expected to report problems. Unfortunately, it’s a system that is ripe for abuse.

 

Serious Side Effects

In addition to common side effects, many Court Painter art works have been found to cause dangerous side effects. If an art work has numerous problems, the art regulators can add warnings to labels next to each painting, including its stringent black-box warning. In rare cases, the work is painted over or the canvas is removed from the stretcher.

 Near Death Experience

Viewing Court Painter works up close has been known to cause either slow or immediate near death experiences. Sometimes this close up and personal viewing stimulates allergic reactions that cause anything from itching to an anaphylactic response, which can lead to fainting or pants wetting.

Other viewings at just before dawn may cause some to do things they wouldn’t ordinarily consider, including lighting up a smoke!

Physical Debilitation

Court Painter viewings at sunset can be physically and emotionally debilitating, including causing total or partial paralysis or severe pain. This includes headaches, stomachaches, earaches,flat feet and decreased control over bodily functions like pants wetting or on rare occasions a #2 event.

Sometimes these side effects are caused by the art works numbing effect on the area of the brain responsible for pain perception and is also linked to unexpected muscle pain and loss of muscle coordination which can lead to dancing particularly among caucasian art aficionados.

Heart Conditions

Problems related to the heart, including heart attacks, congestive heart failure, lifelong heart damage and cardiomyopathy, have been linked to a few of Court Painter’s more sentimental painterly expressions of known political figures. Sometimes they cause an increase in water-weight gain, which often necessitates investment in an entirely new wardrobe. Over exposure to staring for long periods in front of Court Painter works have been proven to be so risky that insurers refuse to insure his art fans.

Stroke

Described as the rapid loss of brain function due to a blood flow disturbance, strokes have been linked to several erotic subjects that Court Painter keeps behind the curtain in his studio. In some cases, viewing alone can cause blood clots to form.When these clots move through the body, they can block the blood flow to the brain and it may be game over for any further gallery hopping.

Sneezing

Probably one of the most shocking and overwhelming side effects of viewing Court Painter works at close range is sneezing. Perhaps that’s because most people spend their lives avoiding known carcinogens, such as cigarette smoke which by coincidence permeate all of Court Painter’s magnificent artistic output. When viewers learn that even proximity to the paintings can be carcinogenic and sneeze producing, they often feel angry ,misled and conflicted.

 Dizziness

While dizziness may not seem like a serious side effect, it can have grave consequences. For elderly patrons or those already unsteady on their feet, random dizziness in Court Painter’s studio can cause a fall that could lead to broken wine bottles and interfere with other visitors looking for an enjoyable art experience. All art viewers should be acutely aware of any vertigo-like feelings and remove themselves from the premises, pronto!

Common Side Effects

Some of Court Painter’s most socially relevant paintings have been linked to other significant side effects, including losing the sense of taste, amnesia, sight loss and hallucinations. For all viewers and fans, the best way to combat all of these problems is to carefully tread lightly while looking and ask the Press Attache A Hardon Mackay detailed questions.

Possibly the most common side effects of any of Court Painter’s oeuvre are gastrointestinal issues, including nausea, constipation and diarrhea. Other common aftereffects when leaving the studio include drowsiness, pain and skin reactions.

And Finally Nausea

While nausea and vomiting aren’t considered deadly side effects, they can cause a cascade of point of sale problems, especially in the elderly or those art collectors already reaching for their credit cards. The resulting dehydration, internal bleeding and esophageal rupture can result in the sale not proceeding.

Court Painter & his Press Attache dread when this happens and often have to close the studio early for maintenance.

Phone ahead!

Oval Office Alarm

Presence of Court Painter in Oval Office raises alarms

 A Calgary art celebrity known as Court Painter was allowed into the Oval Office on Wednesday during President Trump’s meeting with Russian diplomats, a level of access that was criticized by former U.S. intelligence officials as a potential security breach.The officials cited the danger that a listening device or other surveillance equipment could have been brought into the Oval Office by the art celebrity Court Painter while hidden in paint brushes, paint cans, paint tubes or other art materials. Former U.S. intelligence officials raised questions after paintings of Trump’s meeting with Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov were posted by Court Painter online. Among those commenting on the issue was former deputy CIA director David S. Cohen. Responding to a question posed online about whether it was a sound decision to allow the Court Painter into the Oval Office, Cohen replied on Twitter: “No it was not.” He declined to elaborate when reached by phone.
Other former intelligence officials also described the access granted to the Court Painter as a potentially serious security lapse, noting that standard screening for White House visitors would not necessarily detect a sophisticated espionage device hidden in a tube of rose madder or alizarin crimson for that matter.An administration official said the White House had been misled about the role of the Court Painter. Russian officials had described the individual as Lavrov’s official portrait painter without disclosing that he also would sell reproductions of the paintings online at a sweet price.

“We were not informed by the Russians that an official portrait painter was dual-hatted and would be releasing the paintings on his website for a pretty penny,” the administration official said.

As a result, White House officials said they were surprised to see paintings posted online showing Trump not only with Lavrov but also smiling and shaking hands with Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak.

When asked by CNN about his experience, Court Painter said,” I paint ’em as I see ’em…warts and all!

Paranormalize

Court Painter Moving Pictures announces production of new paranormal series: Seance Central

Calgary’s Court Painter Moving Pictures a subsidiary of Court Painter Perfectly Still Pictures, announced the start of a low budget  paranormal action series titled Seance Central. It is a dramatized expose of paranormal activities that rattle around in real time throughout the art studios of the nation.The series is rumoured to be targeted at rural audiences and big city free enterprisers who still fear the ghosts of Karl Marx and Frederich Engels yet embrace the thrills & chills of the unknown in their struggle for normalcy. (Questions that arose in the press scrum did not clarify what this meant.)

The production cast includes art celebrity Court Painter played by Professor Emeritus John Arnold Will , Press Attache A Hardon MacKay; cameos by A Girl Named Robin & her main squeeze Robert;celebrity painter Chris Cran and his main squeeze and dancing partner Missy D plus local art B listers too numerous to mention.Many are placed just off camera to protect their identities and future career possibilities.

Nelson Auteur, coaxed out of retirement helped plug in the equipment while taking copious notes and running the snack bar ….in addition to directing the videography.

www.nelsonauteur.com

The 3-episode, hour-long drama will première in the Court Painter’s Inglewood studio projected on a bed-sheet.

Seance Central’s creator and ghost writer , A Hardon MacKay also serves as crystal ball buffer for the production . Other episodic directors on board include Court Painter in a duel starring and director role and Missy Mayhem rumoured to be Hardon’s main squeeze.

The series is set in a remote part of Court Painter’s Inglewood studio that has inexplicably been overrun by paranormal forces. The local outcast character played by Court Painter must overcome the studio assistants prejudices and his own personal demons if he’s to harness his repressed psychic powers and save everyone from the mass haunting that’s threatening to tank future sales and destroy them all. Like totally teeth-chattering awesome!

When pushed for a comment, A Hardon MacKay in hushed tones revealed,“Seance Central is not just a contemporary homage to classic psychological horror, it’s also an opportunity to tell stories about art politics and how beliefs are shaped and lives ruined by crystal phantoms in the studios of the nation; highlighting warped individual perspectives and art resentments in ghostly hues. The parameters and the preposterous pontifications of the Paranormal all are covered in great detail by the script, meticulously ghost written in invisible ink and terrifyingly enacted in the hand crafted studio setting! Improvisation was encouraged and chaos theory became manifest in haunting and diaphanous action.That’s all I can say right now without setting off trigger alerts.”

In a follow up press scrum the questions ‘why this, why now’ were left dangling in a fog of miscomprehension and leaden query….

 

Majority of Those Asked

Court Painter now agrees with the majority of those asked: He wasn’t ready to be a court painter.

Court Painter thought being a ‘courtly celebrity painter ‘would be easier

In an interview on April 27, Court Painter said he misses aspects of his life before becoming a celebrity and that he thought being a courtly celebrity painter “would be easier.”

Court Painter spent a great portion of 2016 insisting that being an art celebrity would be easy — at least for him. HuffPost compiled a number of examples of him dismissing the problems that accompany the celebrity job as being easily dispatched. Painting a mural on a wall on the border with Mexico is easy. Beating Chris Cran’s media coverage would be easy. Renegotiating the studio rent deal would be easy. Paying down the art materials debt would be easy. Acting as an art celebrity? Easy.

To a reporter this week, though, Court Painter had a slightly different assessment of being a celebrity.

“I loved my previous life as a mentor to up and comers. I had so many things going. This is more work than in my previous life,” Court Painter said. “I thought it would be easier. I thought it was more of a … I’m a details-oriented person. I think you’d say that, but I do miss my old life as a studio lay about. I like to paint pictures and do lettering so that’s not a problem but this demands more figurative work.”

It wasn’t the first time that Court Painter copped to the job being trickier than he anticipated. In November Court Painter had told his Press Attache that “This is really a bigger job than I thought.” (Hardon’s response? “…good. He should think that.”) Then there are individual issues. “Nobody knew a textured figure ground relationship could be so complicated,” he whimpered at one point. At another, he revealed that it took a conversation with the president of The Alberta Face Painters Association to realize that the portrait sales crisis on communities touched by the Bow River was “not so easy.”

 

There’s an element of surprise in Court Painter’s comments, a hint of bafflement that having responsibility for entertaining dozens of fans entwined in a global art economy and international relationships with portrait subjects might end up being trickier than running a sidewalk charcoal portrait sketch operation from midtown Inglewood. One group that probably wasn’t surprised that Court Painter wasn’t prepared? The majority of those asked!

At no point over the past 3 years did a majority of those asked think that Court Painter was qualified for the job as an art celebrity. Polling shows that views of Court Painter as unqualified dominated throughout the years. The only group that consistently viewed him as qualified to hold the celebrity position were the retired white seniors that constituted the core of support from his local Tim Hortons.

More to the point, polling from a pollster showed that, consistently, Court Painter was viewed as unprepared for the celebrity job. In June, July and September — before, during and after Court Painter began making his general call out for commissions — the majority of those asked thought he wasn’t ready to hold a candle to the run of the mill hobby billy or bobbette portraitist.

Asked in a random sample, most art sophisticates viewed his Press Attache A Hardon Mackay as more prepared to be an art celebrity than Court Painter by a wide margin . A much greater number of former fired studio interns were willing to call A Hardon Mackay more qualified than Court Painter.

Put simply: The majority of those asked didn’t think Court Painter was ready to be a courtly celebrity painter. Based on his comments about the canvases being bigger or harder to cover than he thought, that it is more work, it seems safe to say that Court Painter has also now come to believe that he wasn’t prepared for the top tier celebrity job however he is not known to be a quitter like some TV celebrities we know!