Re-Decorating of the White House

At the White House on 1600 Pennsylvania Ave, Donald Trump and his family found themselves surrounded by a collection of museum-quality paintings, exquisite furniture and historic fixtures.

Trump — known for his love of grandeur and over-the-top living conditions and awakening appreciation of U.S. history– has decided to change and update the residence while at the same time preserving the collection of Confederate monuments and statues that are flooding the market. As an added decor punch his private collection of flags will festoon the halls of the White House. When asked about the provenience of the flags the President responded that they were all previously owned by “some very fine people.”

Most of the changes will occur on the second and third floors of the mansion; the Lincoln Room and the Yellow Oval Room will remain off-limits which prompted Trump to wryly note, “Not if I can help it.”

Taking advantage of his exclusive rights to make artistic use of the high-tech, light-reflecting paint Alt Right Bright White, the President Elect Donald J Trump has covered the entire surface of all the paintings in the White House with it. The result,is a reminder to all citizens and guests what an enduring tradition the Power of White has had for the world’s Greatest Democracy. The Donald acknowledges this artistic program to Make America Bright White Again is a far cry from what citizens and tourists have come to love however he was swept in on a change vote and “change it’s gonna be.”

Trump will not work with a White House curator. “To ensure the previously tainted taste of the Alt Left does not continue to contaminate the people’s house; under my guidance the suppressed history and culture of these white men, many with their pet horses will be preserved because I know history bigly, museum collecting terrifically and I am on the Alt Right side of history.”

“I am also considering an idea I floated to the Obama administration to build a $100 million ballroom inside the executive mansion, a terrific idea and a beautiful setting for my beautiful monuments and flags. Meanwhile I am busy placing the statues and flags in flattering light and advantageous sight lines for huge impact.”

Trump has previously insisted that if he made it to the White House, he wouldn’t make too many alterations to the West Wing. In an interview last year in People magazine, he said he would “maybe touch it up a little bit.”

“But the White House is a special place, and the availably of the Confederate monuments and my flag collection demand a revisionist revamp of the people’s house. History cannot be denied.” Trump said emphatically.

“I know I will be criticized by fake historians and fake news but I want to remind everyone that lavish purchases have come under scrutiny in the past. In 1861, first lady Mary Todd Lincoln ordered a new china tableware for the White House. Although she spent less than her successors, the country at that time was bracing for war and any spending appeared frivolous. In the midst of the Great Depression, first lady Eleanor Roosevelt announced a plan to order a 1,000-piece china service. In 1981, Nancy Reagan made a china purchase while government budget cuts were being implemented. Both these decisions were met with disapproval, with Reagan’s purchase later called the “china crisis.” My China crisis is the climate change fib perpetuated by China to bankrupt America and my golf courses.”

Of the many pieces of art associated with the White House: the famous portrait of George Washington painted by Gilbert Stuart in 1797, and later saved by first lady Dolley Madison as British soldiers approached the nation’s capital and burned it to the ground.

In a move applauded by “some very fine people” Trump has announced that a larger portrait of General Robert E. Lee will be placed next to the George Washington portrait.

Inside the Charmed Anxious Life

Inside the Charmed Life of an Anxious, Paranoid Art Celebrity

Even if you can’t pity or empathize with Court Painter, you can still be fascinated by him—and by the strange reality artifact of his fame

The most famous septuagenarian in the world is taking a picture of himself on TV; the screen splits to reveal the resultant Snapchat selfie.

During the next 20 or so minutes, this pattern will be repeated over and over again—selfies on the bank of the Bow River taken from abandoned cars, in the local casinos, seedy Calgary bars and with a gaggle of yapping oil executives. For Court Painter narcissism is a way of life.

Whether he’s Snapchatting in a designer smock or working his impossible angles in an Instagram hipster shoot, Court Painter’s whole existence takes place inside a hall of mirrors; competing, simultaneous images of himself captured by the omnipresent paparazzi, and his own selfie cam.

Like Chris Cran before him, Court Painter’s social media solipsism is a point of fascination. Depending on who’s behind the laptop writing the think piece, Court Painter’s fame can look like objectification or complete bodily autonomy. Either he’s an alpha male with a talent for self-promotion, modern dance or the unfortunate product of unrealistic beauty standards.

Either he’s doing it for himself (isn’t it old-fashioned to insist that Instagram can’t be a source of empowerment?), or he’s doing it for the attention. Alternatively, this is just how Court Painter branded himself, and even when appearing to relax in an easy chair , he doesn’t know how to stop.

While the majority of Court Painter fame comes from his annoyingly awkward social presence and media influence, the 76-year-old is also a businessman of sorts.

In a decidedly retro approach joined by business partner & Press Attache A Hardon MacKay; Court Painter doesn’t just show up at art events and spend his life drifting from one piano bar to another—he actually creates art goods, art for the cross border market and often offers them for free as a loss leader to fame.

Court Painter, whose face seems to resemble a corn husk doll more and more every day, is also mercurial with his inexplicable charisma. He’s a beautiful enigma whose observations and vague aphorisms sizzle with vocal fry.

Perhaps deliberately, Press Attache A Hardon MacKay doesn’t say too much of anything; but when he does talk in more than one sentence at a time, cosmopolitans catch a glimpse of something actually resembling self-awareness (and a sense of pathos).

Court Painter is so famous that he can’t be around other people. His Press Attache AHM is his only close acquaintance and they do everything together, both terrified to let anyone new into their lives out of fear that they’re just chasing fame or followers. Both talking over each other,they can be heard uttering,“Sometimes I’m like this is it, I’m going insane”; “I felt like I started to depend on what art critics think”; “Like I think I lost a lot of parts of myself”; “I still feel like the outcast…I can’t relate to a lot of modern art”; “It’s a lot of people in the studio…like it scares me”; “Posting a selfie is hard because it’s a lot of pressure…it has to be like perfect.”

It’s hard to feel for an art celebrity whose own social media machinations have made him so famous that he sometimes is in mortal fear of leaving the bar at closing time—it’s a niche problem, and not a particularly sympathetic one. But even if you can’t pity or empathize with Court Painter, you can still be fascinated by him,and by this strange reality artifact of his fame.

No one embodies the beauty and the terror of social encounters quite like Court Painter, a septuagenarian so omnipresent , who means so much to people who will never know him, that he feels his truest self disappearing the more outwardly visible he becomes. This Life of Court Painter begs the existential question of whether Court Painter is ever allowed to stop being, as he wryly puts it, “More famous than even Chris Cran.”

Court Painter tells his Press Attache AHM “I just feel like this fame thing is gonna come to an end sooner than we think. I’m getting the bug again. I just wanna run away. I just don’t know who I’m doing it for. Cran on the other hand, is just out there every day…He’s made for this.

Which isn’t a bad thing! He does look so good every day…That’s not me. I don’t want my picture taken, I don’t want people to see what outfit I’m wearing.” The conversation goes on like this for a little while—they both pledge to focus on what really matters to them, to try and block everything else out and just strive to get more portrait commissions. Then Court Painter takes out his camera and gets a passerby to capture the moment.

Hello Darkness My Ole’ Friend

Fat Man & Little Boy

President Trump has been rumoured to gift his son Barron lovely pictures of Fat Man & Little Boy, nicknames for the USA Atomic bombs that destroyed Nagasaki and Hiroshima in August 1945.

“as any father would”

Calgary Sun’s Vanguard Move

In a stunning editorial move The Calgary Sun has decided to be the go to publication for Calgary art commentary and criticism. Speaking on condition of anonymity the editorial team acknowledged that evidence based art journalism was too hard and that popularizing art commentary by embracing public opinion and vernacular expertise was a win win for the paper and readers alike. Polls show everyone is fed up with art experts spending tax dollars and getting in the way of common sense and personal taste.

“From now on Opinion Rules the Roost!” Dinger was quoted as blurting!

Rick”Dinger” Bell has been appointed the Sun’s official Art Rage-er, a first for a newspaper already known for its vanguard ventures!

The editorial page will be fully devoted to lead art editorials shining a light on the next art outrage, everyday run of the mill uninformed common ordinary people’s opinions, Sunday Special Hobby Rage articles and I Know What I Like poems that rhyme.

A feature being introduced is The Sunshine Artist,a remake of the sexist …sorry… sexy Sunshine Girl. The rebrand should prove to be a favourite of the common tax payer, none other than local art celebrity and Inglewood fixture Court Painter.

His Press Attache A Hardon MacKay, in conversation with newly minted Sun Art Rage-er Rick “Dinger” Bell , lauded the Sun “for their brave editorial decision to embrace the common man and a few women’s art commentary , to advance and give voice to the everyday and the common,untainted by ‘informed know it alls’ and ‘the cultural school of expert fools’.”

Court Painter in his wisdom summed it up with a statement that’s a real keeper, ‘Metaphor is the last refuge of the art scoundrel.’ Ain’t that pretty now!

Court Painter was reluctant to state an opinion on the latest Calgary public art projects stating,” I am a painter not an opinionist”. However when prodded about what public art he would create if given half a million buckaroos,he waxed on about his getting ideas from dreams not like other artists who steal ideas from art books and periodicals and in some cases even take lessons. Pushed a bit further he admitted a vision was forming that , although not fully formed, appeared to be a giant blue circle with two tiny ears that light up on the top.

He said he would only accept a public commission as long as he could keep the entire fee and cut out all the workers and services that end up being paid like drunken sailors…fabricators, project managers, engineers, installation crews, contractors, landscapers, specialist fees, heavy equipment rentals, materials, obligatory testing, insurance,studio rental and substructures for public safety. “I don’t care if there is a net infusion back into local economies. In fact, as an artist I resent the bulk of the public art money being spent in the community, on the workers who help build and install these projects. They should volunteer their services and materials if they had any civic pride.”