Fleet of Paintings

Ottawa awards contract for a fleet of marine paintings to Court Painter

HALIFAX — The federal government awarded Court Painter Studios a long-awaited contract to paint a fleet of warships despite lingering questions about the selection process and a legal challenge from a rival bidder who everyone knows is CP’s artist nemesis CC (name available upon request).

The Minister of Procurement for  Ship Portraits  announced the deal in Halifax early Friday, saying the Royal Canadian Navy’s 15 new warships will be gloriously rendered in oil by Court Painter and based on a variety of combinations of  the British-designed Type 26 frigate ,THE CAT Yarmouth/Maine ferry and the heritage Nova Scotia schooner class .The introduction of the schooner content is felt by critics to be a blatant attempt to curry favour with obtaining future painting commissions from local shipbuilders since Press Attache A Hardon MacKay recently set up another Court Painter shop in Halifax. Also THE CAT inclusion is seen as a diversionary tactic to give a good news image to an ongoing financial and public relations disaster at the hands of the governing Liberals.

The initial contract with Court Painter is valued at $185  including taxes and will increase as each painting progresses, the government said Friday, adding a policy will apply to ensure every dollar put into the contract will result in a dollar back into the struggling economy of the Court Painter enterprise.The energizer bunny that he is,Court Painter has already completed 5 of the 15 stipulated by the contract.

The Minister made the announcement at Irving’s Halifax Shipyard surrounded by hundreds of applauding art enthusiasts, and touched on the persistent suggestions it wasn’t a fair and balanced fight for the contract.

“Our government is providing the Royal Canadian Navy with pictures of the ships it needs to do its important work of protecting Canadians from shoddy marine art,” she said in a statement.

In a statement, Press Attache A Hardon MacKay, without notes by the way, praised the decision.

“This award is true validation of Court Painter’s artistic capability,” AHM said. “Our studio team including ex mariners is honoured, knowing that we offered the right artistic solution for the Great Dominion and a proven ability to perform complex compositional and realistic renderings of waves and subtle fog in particular.”

A tribunal initially ordered the government not to award a contract to Court Painter until it could investigate rival artist CC’s (name available upon request) complaint, but later rescinded that decision and then tossed the case entirely overboard last week.


Reach for the Top

It is important to note that Court Painter, out of modesty, was very reluctant to  flag the recent search engine  numbers. His  insincere feeling is that artists like
Jan van Eyck ,Diego Velazquez ,Riza Abbasi and Abd as-Samad should go to the head of the line but because it is 2019  and the digital age has determined Court Painter is not too shabby, he is willing to Reach for the Top!
These screen grabs (Feb 8/2019 ) from two of the top search engines in the world Google & Bing prove that in spite of draconian working conditions, chronic non payment of commission fees, exorbitant bar bills and nasty reviews (plus other things not available to people of means) ;
The Court Painter is #5 on Google and # 2 &  #3  on Bing.
This is very helpful for Court Painter’s bragging rights at the Ship and Anchor on Open Mike Nite should he be capable of standing or allowed to speak if by chance his number gets called!
Court Painter paints something he knows nothing about.

Secret Evacuation Plan

Court Painter has a ‘secret’ evacuation plan if Alberta separates from the Great Dominion

Court Painter alway has an escape oar up his sleeve

Should riots occur after an Alberta separation, Court Painter and other select members of the studio will be evacuated from Inglewood.(select members identified at time of posting include paint grinder,art stacker,crate and stretcher maker,jack & jill of all trades,wine solemner and party planner)

The Court Painter & studio crew seen celebrating last Valentines Day 

Press Attache A Hardon MacKay in a confidential tweet says that“secret plans” are being drawn up by himself that will ensure Court Painter and senior studio assistants will be safely moved out of the Court Painter studio and taken to an undisclosed location.

Court Painter practicing evacuation procedures

“These emergency evacuation plans have been in existence since Jason Kenney became leader of the UCP, but have now been repurposed in the event of civil disorder following threats by angry Albertans to leave the Great Dominion.

Albertans are understandably angry with the 9th highest per capita GDP in the world, and the highest incomes and the lowest taxes in Canada.

Court Painter with his favourite stray

The Press Attache AHM source told anyone who would listen that the Court Painter evacuation plans had been “dusted off” for the sake of “sensible planning.”

An early photo of Court Painter in Great Dominion survival mode

Court Painter’s statement that needs no splainin

“The decision to evacuate is based on whether or not the safety of his potential sales is compromised by roving bands of angry Albertans,” the Press Attache AHM said. “But right now, we have no safety concern since the ‘cupboard is bare.’”

The spectre of political unrest continues to rise as a provincial election approaches and there are growing concerns (should Jason Kenney’s & UCP win) of raising the risk of a disorderly dust up between Alberta and the Great Dominion.

Court Painter with second favourite stray and angry pipe smoker

Court Painter has been preparing for a worst-case scenario and potential riots in the case that separation becomes imminent. There have been reports of his studio stockpiling paints, extra bolts of canvas ,tobacco,sugar,salt, lard,grape concentrate and sundry value added art materials in case the borders are barricaded.

Court Painter with central Canadian BFF 

The Court Painter is expected to remain politically neutral as long as it suits his business plan and will not comment on government affairs that could upset his market: in business jargon it is called playing both sides of the fence.

Court Painter caught in a candid moment of tension and dread

“In times of political and partisan challenges ,my Art can carry water to both sides in this climate of thirst and uncertainty,” Court Painter uttered in an emotional yet measured croak.


Just When You Thought The News Couldn’t Get Worse

Woman Nonchalantly Steals Painting from Court Painter Studio in Broad Daylight

Court Painter during the good times in the studio

The studio’s 1990’s Sony Handicam  captured the brazen heist, which took place at a temporary studio exhibition that had no alarms fitted. Art authorities say they have arrested the (age withheld) suspect and recovered the undamaged artwork, which, after a tip-off to police, was found hidden in a dumpster in the heart of downtown Inglewood. In an interview with art detectives, the suspect reportedly claimed she was innocent and said she could not remember where she had been on Sunday,since her workplace The French Maid is closed on Sundays.

Court Painter tearfully forgiving Missy for her misdeed

Angry Albertan angrily stabs “Justin the Terrible” painting

The incident is only the latest embarrassing lapse in security at Court Painter’s studio, which was founded in 2013 and houses more than 1,300 works of unpaid commissions. In May, an angry drunken Albertan vandalized a painting of “Justin the Terrible” by stabbing at it with his umbrella,screaming in a kinda sing songey manner …no no no we no want no no no carbon carbon carbon  tax. All those within ear shot thought it was a frightfully poor rendition but heartfelt.

Court Painter wistfully wondering what it’s all about

Both crimes raise questions about security in Court Painter’s studio which has continually complained of security shortages since budget cutbacks in 2015. On Monday, the newly appointed Heritage Minister ,who oversees the Great Dominion’s cultural affairs, ordered the ministry of culture to investigate the studio for security compliance and provide unpaid studio interns and layabouts with extra judo chop & tackle training and free access to Youtube videos on “How to Spot An Art Thief.”