Chief of Staff

Court Painter’s newly promoted Chief of Staff , ‘won’t suffer idiots and fools gladly’ 

editors note: Numerous wardrobe changes were obligatory during the interview

Court Painter leaked July 28 that his Press Attache A Hardon MacKay, is replacing an unnamed contractor as Studio Chief of Staff.

Twelve days after Court Painter’s last commission, the Inglewood art celebrity asked AHM to meet with him at the stately Tim Horton’s closest to his studio, to discuss the roles of his present position as Press Attache and the newly minted Chief of Staff.

To prepare for the meeting, AHM was required to become familiar with the latest self authored Court Painter artist statement freshly penned by…well….Court Painter.

In a Duchampian manner, the Court Painter intimates the readymade qualities of perceived fabrication; be it an arresting works of old timers or of youthful nubile females. His painted matter swirls, drips, and fuses into psychedelic anatomies and topographies on a monumental scale, as if memorializing the uniquely human urge to prolong our physicality, mortality, and image. He further exemplifies this social compulsion through his own meticulous handicraft, as he strives to create a near-mechanically perfect image thus satisfying his most demanding clients. By addressing the threat of technology to the human touch, he pairs the anxiety and celebration of the post-industrial era to create works that are similarly binary.

Reportedly it was a small gathering. Present was Court Painter at the piano, A Hardon MacKay and an unidentified beefy yet menacingly unfit hunk of a security guard who stayed out of the picture. AHM much like a retired general, impressed the Court Painter, enough so that soon he’d consent to leave his post as Press Attache and replace himself as a newly minted Chief of Staff.

Court Painter, ever one to adhere to proper protocol, undertook to conduct a proper job interview accompanied by his piano tinkling and his sing song voice , outlined the duties and responsibilities of the position.

He explained tunefully that Chief of Staffing is much like embalming and is one profession that is recession proof. No matter what types of economic conditions are at play, a chief of staff and an embalmer can be assured that their services will be needed. Although becoming the Court Painter’s Chief of Staff  may not seem like the ideal career choice for some, AHM will find that this career choice provides employment stability, a sense of accomplishment and pride, and lucrative economic benefits that include a competitive percentage of all studio commissions.

Much like an embalmer ,the Chief of Staff would become responsible for preparing Court Painter for daily viewing at press gatherings. This includes washing Court Painter’s feet, using preservative fluids on his bald pate, performing any reconstructive or restorative services necessary, dressing Court Painter, and applying cosmetics. Daily preservation may involve either visceral embalming, in which vintage red is placed into select body cavities, or arterial embalming, in which fine red wine is pumped through the arteries. The amount used is determined largely by Court Painter’s thirst & mood that day.

Court Painter likes AHM. He trusts AHM. But what remains to be seen is whether Court Painter will listen to him as AHM seeks to bring order to a studio beset by chaos and sexual innuendo.

“I know how to do this: with common sense and good leadership,” said AHM, who spoke on the condition of anonymity to offer frank opinions.”I   won’t suffer idiots and fools gladly.”

As A Hardon MacKay moves to the West wing of the studio, he’ll likely move quickly to confront the studio operating like a reality television show that runs on a raucous mix of erotic drama, machismo and suspicion. A big piece of that will be addressing leaks of art gossip and Court Painter’s abysmal portrayal in the media.

Style Icon

Court Painter, style icon? Rolling Stone,Vanity Fair, Vogue &  GQ  add CP to International Best-Dressed List

‘I used to wear capes,sandals and a tam… they disappeared around the time my wife, Mary, came into my life’

The Court Painter is stoical, emotionally controlled, never eager or needy, but instead mysterious, detached and self-possessed. The Court Painter is gracefully competent at something, but doesn’t need the world’s applause to know his worth. That’s because Court Painter has found his own unique and authentic way of living with nonchalant intensity.

Court Painter made the cover of Rolling Stone magazine’s August issue and heads are turning. The overall glowing story  calls Court Painter “a progressive, rational, forward-thinking art leader”.

On the front cover, Court Painter is pictured with the words “Why Can’t He Be Our Court Painter?” He stares intensely through clouds of smoke as he leans in to best express his Alpha presence.

The photo has annoyed conservative politicians and art pundits of the Great Dominion with the usual comments about his lack of hair, his lack of appeal to young non smoking Canadians and how he can’t even spell feminist.

The Great Dominion’s Court Painter , was seen celebrating at the Ship & Anchor pub, earlier this week, after making the 2016 International Best-Dressed List released in Vanity Fair,Vogue,Rolling Stone and GQ. 

Court Painter has earned a new distinction, joining Barack and Michelle Obama, Lady Gaga, members of the British Royal family and actors Idris Elba, Fan Bingbing and Helen Mirren on Vanity Fair’s latest edition of the International Best-Dressed List. Notably Chris Cran has not been included again this year!

The magazines released the 2016 editions this week, with Court Painter — a self-confessed fan of “colourful socks without holes” — among the figures lauded for their sartorial decisions.

One of the favourite items in Court Painter’s closet is the fringed, leathery jacket he made from Inglewood road kill.

Under his entry, Court Painter listed “a well-worn pair of mom jeans” as well as the “handmade road kill jacket” among his favourite items of clothing.

With a note of self-deprecation, he also quipped that his style icon — if left to his own devices — was the Nelson Auteur character from the Nelson Auteur video series.

“I used to wear capes,sandals and a tam,” he says. “Oddly, they disappeared around the time my wife, Mary, came into my life. By the way, she is not the battle axe as has been rumoured.”

Court Painter is depicted on the magazine’s website in a host of images, from wearing dapper suits and formal studio wear for art openings, events and international portrait summits ; to more casual wear while imbibing, during the Stampede parade and at a previous blast at the Alberta Orphan & Abandoned Well Festival.

The annual list dates back to 1940, when it was founded by American fashion industry pioneer Eleanor Lambert to create “a sociological record of our time.”

Last winter, Vogue magazine almost published a lengthy profile of Court Painter , complete with dramatic photos of his Inglewood studio and his local drinking hole. He was also hailed as “The Court Painter of Suave” by GQ magazine.

Casts A Long Shadow

The Conservative Party, led by a disingenuous statement from former PM Stephen Harper, hauled their Omar Khadr fight over the border to the USA. MP and Conservative leader Andrew Scheer expressed presumptuous regret “on behalf of the vast majority of Canadians.” MP Peter Kent wrote a piece for the Wall Street Journal called “A Terrorist’s Big Payday, Courtesy of Trudeau.” MP Michelle Rempel appeared on Tucker Carlson’s Fox News show omitting significant facts and MP Cheryl Gallant accused the Canadian media of peddling fake news on the subject.

A Wee Backgrounder: In 2003 and 2004 under Liberal governments, Canadian officials violated the rule of law when dealing with Omar Khadr’s Guantanamo incarceration. From 2008 to 2015, the Stephen Harper Conservative government continued to flout the rule of law on a number of occasions, perpetuating the Harper narrative that Khadr was a convicted terrorist and would pose a danger to Canada.

Harper and the Conservative party leaders continued to absent themselves of facts, justice and balance to inform their decisions regarding Omar Khadr’s fate. Arguably the delayed repatriation by the Harper government’s reluctant acceptance of Supreme Court judgements of civil rights violations against Khadr, contributed to a larger financial settlement than otherwise may have been granted had the repatriation  been justly carried out in the beginning.

Everything’s Gonna Be Alt Right

The Wildrose Party approved unifying with Progressive Conservatives in a historic vote Saturday. The new unified party will be known as the Albertosaurus Party in honour of the 70,000 year old lizard.

Upon the announcement the packed assembly led by MLA Derek Fildebrandt, burst spontaneously into the Albertosaurus Party’s newly minted anthem Everything’s Gonna Be Alt Right!

Protocol Breach

Calgary art celebrity Chris Cran helped Inglewood’s Court Painter down some slippy studio steps and ended up raising eyebrows, after touching the DabbleKing of Inglewood’s painting arm, in defiance of protocol insisted upon by Court Painter’s Press Attache A Hardon MacKay.

Cran – said he was concerned about the Court Painter stumbling during a visit to his studio in Inglewood on Wednesday.

From a neighbour’s security camera footage filmed outside the studio, Cran can be seen touching Court Painter’s painting arm as he sprints down a set of steps.

“I’m certainly conscious of the protocol,I was just anxious to be sure there was no stumbling on the steps as Court Painter is prone to staggering after his daily liquid lunch.”
“It’s a little bit awkward, that descent from his studio to the back alley, and there was wet paint on the steps that was a little slippy, and so I thought perhaps it was appropriate to breach protocol just to be sure that there was no stumble,” he explained sheepishly as he was prodded with a long stick in the aftermath of the protocol breach.
Although the Court Painter’s official Press Attache says “there are no obligatory codes of behaviour” during a meeting with Court Painter, touching the art celebrity beyond shaking hands is unusual and guaranteed to generate headlines and itching.
Press Attache MacKay later clarified that, “all was forgiven ,calling the inappropriate touch a “mutual and spontaneous display of affection and appreciation”.
In a gesture of his own, Cran also presented the Court Painter with a carton of Gitanes, a juice box of red wine and an awkward curtsy.
Cran’s time as Calgary’s #1 art celebrity is due to end in the fall, and his visit to Court Painter’s studio this week was in part to pass on the art celebrity baton to the ‘DabbleKing of Inglewood.’

Beware of Selfies

Police warn Calgarians not to take selfies with Court Painter

An errant Inglewood artist , identified as Court Painter attempts to lick the windshield of a parked vehicle near his studio.

It should be fairly obvious to anyone not to approach Court Painter but Calgary police drove the point home Thursday after reports surfaced that this gangly ungulate like painter was roaming in the area of Inglewood among the hipsters and neo bohemians attempting to lick the windshields of cars. Police felt it necessary to advise since this was the source of much amusement on  Facebook.

“The fact that you have to discourage people from taking selfies with Court Painter is hysterical to me. You can’t fix stupid, but thank you for trying,” shouted Chris Cran to his ungulate friend.

“Actually, it’s kind of sad sad….that people have to be told not to take a selfie with Court Painter. What happened to common sense?” uttered A Girl Named Robin clutching her blind canine.

While you might not see a 70+ year old gangly animal like painter lumbering around an Inglewood intersection every day, it’s not uncommon for him to visit the side streets and offer to clean your windshield for a loonie…with his tongue!

In March 2016 he was caught trotting near the Canadian Tire in Shawnessy. He was later bribed with a Tim Hortons double double and subdued near the Superstore with plastic cuffs.

Two months later, Fish and Wildlife Art officers gave chase while Court Painter spent three hours wandering around McKnight Boulevard and northwest Calgary seeking out shattered windshields.

Authorities finally tracked and tranquillized him in Thorncliffe.

He had to be tranquilized and relocated back to his studio once again.

Sgt.Preston ,a digital communications team member on loan from the Banff North West Mounted Police detachment, understands why Facebook selfie posts would earn a few guffaws, but hopes people take it seriously.

In the case of Thursday’s Court Painter romp, officers who’d been tracking him called in the request to spread the word to rubber-necking photographers who had stopped to snap off some shots as the ungulate like painter approached yet another car with his tongue out.

“They were getting close enough where it was causing it a bit of stress,” he said.

For the masses of phone photographers out there, Sgt Preston taking a break from signing autographs had this message: “It might look like a good Instagram photo but you’re putting your selves at significant risk of harm to get it.Court Painter is particularly agitated during Stampede Week”

The warning doesn’t begin and end with Court Painter, either. “Many Calgary artists especially performers with the One Yellow Rabbit theatre group — it’s best you do not get too close, for your own sake. They have a tendency to hump your leg if they take a shine to you.” tittered Sgt Preston.

“We’re kind of a wildlife art city, we have artists of all kinds coming and going through the green spaces especially at Stampede time. Trying to get a picture of them is not worth it. They’re like wild bohemian animals and they’re going to act like wild bohemian animals.”

It is unknown if everyone heeded Thursday’s warning, but it can be confirmed no Court Painter videos had been uploaded in the Calgary area Thursday. Highly unusual since Court Painter is such a media hound.

Court Painter refused to give an interview or be photographed in his slovenly studio claiming he had the vapours.